High and Wide

Meet the New Blog (Same as the Old Blog?)

Hey America! I am now blogging at the esteemed and venerable blog Gay Condo. I will be reporting things and goings-on as the New York correspondent of this West Coast-based blog, though I bet I will mostly be talking about True Blood. Oh my god, it’s total pornography and I can’t stop watching it! Anyway, I am going to be posting there on the regular, so keep your eyes peeled, my nine loyal readers. I am also going to still blog here probably as regularly as I was before, which was like once every three months, so, you know, still check this and stuff sometimes.

Growing up in an environment dominated by capitalist economics teaches certain psychological lessons that are hard to unlearn: Anything of value is only available in limited supplies. Stake your claim now, before you’re left alone with nothing. Unable to imagine that love and pleasure could multiply when shared, we come to measure commitment and affection by how much others sacrifice for us. An outsider might counter that in a healthy relationship, friends or lovers enable each other to be able to do and live and feel more. If you feel, in your gut if not in your head, that having a romantic partner means giving something up - your “freedom,” as they say - then the patterns of exploitation and control have penetrated even into your love life.

—Crimethinc

Whoa!

Oh hey, honey, is that you? I’m glad you could make it home. I know it’s hard for you to get a day off from the Coldstone Creamery on such short notice. What? Um, oh, yeah, something important, yeah. Well it’s not what you think—I’m not pregnant or anything, ha ha ha. But seriously: I’ve been talking to Joey Lawrence a lot lately, and we’re really worried about you.

Me and Joey Lawrence think you’ve forgotten all your dreams. Remember, at first you said you were just taking the semester off from State, until you could get your head right and make sure that you really, really wanted to major in Communications, but how long ago was that? 4 years ago now? Me and Joey Lawrence have seen the sparkle fade from your eye with every passing day you spend making oversized cups full of “Birthday Cake Remix”, and then having to sing a song with the rest of the people at the Coldstone Creamery, even if someone only gives you 75 cents in the tip jar. You spend a long day of asking people if they want a “like it”, a “love it”, or an “gotta have it” sized ice cream, and they get totally confused because that isn’t a conventional sizing system, and you have to explain it, over and over, and then when you come home, you only have the energy left to drink a Budweiser and play World of Warcraft for five hours. But me and Joey Lawrence remember when it wasn’t this way! When you had dreams! Remember when you wanted to be a celebrity chef? Or the chef to a celebrity? Or write a book about how dogs teach us real lessons about love and get it into Oprah’s book club? I remember that. And so does Joey Lawrence.

We’re not saying it has to be all at once—maybe you could start by cutting back your schedule at work and taking some night classes, maybe find out more about real estate sales certification, I don’t know. But to see you like this all the time, it’s killing us. Me and Joey Lawrence—excuse me, Joey Lawrence and I—just think you’re destined for something so much bigger than this!

Yeah, I met him when I won that contest to visit the set of “Dancing With the Stars” and you didn’t want to come with me, remember? He’s a very sensitive guy, has a lot of feelings.

Well, I mean, ok. That is fine, no, that’s fine. No, I agree, I’m sure they will be relieved to have you back in to pick up the afternoon shift later. That’s fine, that’s fine. Just remember, if you ever do decide you want to explore these ideas, and you want someone to talk to, Joey Lawrence and I are ready to listen. Have a nice day at work, sweetie. I love you.

On the train just now, I saw a dude get off the train with a denim jacket that had HYMEN HOLOCAUST painted on the back in enormous black letters. Everything weird in the whole world converges at the 7th Ave Q stop.

Whole Lotta Barf

“You need coolin/baby, Im not foolin/ I’m gonna send you back to schoolin/
Way down inside honey, you need it” = grossest lyric of the day.  Hammer of the voms!

There Are Two Kinds of People: People Who Say They Like Kelly Clarkson and Liars

Hey everybody! So I finally decided to take ten minutes off from taking the quizzes in a copy of TEEN PEOPLE from 1997 to update this blog. I would also like to take a moment to announce my new format: this blog will now only cover news and points of interest related to ghosts, walking around New York City, and Kelly Clarkson, my three major points of interest. It’s good to have focus. It’s the key to productivity!

First off: Kelly! Oh christ, aren’t you glad she’s back, so you can stop thinking about whether you might like Katy Perry. Of course you don’t like Katy Perry! Katy Perry is so gross, she is like a neon pink weave you see blowing softly across the sidewalk on a summer’s afternoon. But I understand, of course—while Kelly was gone, we all took what we could get in terms of prepackaged lady singers with songs so catchy they are basically like terminal diseases. I like the song “Hot N Cold” because I am a human being, but then imagine if Kelly sang it? It would be EVEN better, and it wouldn’t have that awkward part in the beginning where Katy Perry’s voice is really thin and sort of sounds like someone hitting the wrong note on a plastic recorder (like, the kind they give you in elementary school) and you’re just like “Autotune, blurg.” Whatever, I mean, obviously I mostly we were all just listening to Donna Summer, but you know what I mean.

You know what would be a good name for an all-female over-40 death metal band? “Crone”

(or possibly “Krone”)