August 2009
1 post
Meet the New Blog (Same as the Old Blog?)
Hey America! I am now blogging at the esteemed and venerable blog Gay Condo. I will be reporting things and goings-on as the New York correspondent of this West Coast-based blog, though I bet I will mostly be talking about True Blood. Oh my god, it’s total pornography and I can’t stop watching it! Anyway, I am going to be posting there on the regular, so keep your eyes peeled, my nine...
June 2009
1 post
Growing up in an environment dominated by capitalist economics teaches certain psychological lessons that are hard to unlearn: Anything of value is only available in limited supplies. Stake your claim now, before you’re left alone with nothing. Unable to imagine that love and pleasure could multiply when shared, we come to measure commitment and affection by how much others sacrifice for us. An...
May 2009
4 posts
Whoa!
Oh hey, honey, is that you? I’m glad you could make it home. I know it’s hard for you to get a day off from the Coldstone Creamery on such short notice. What? Um, oh, yeah, something important, yeah. Well it’s not what you think—I’m not pregnant or anything, ha ha ha. But seriously: I’ve been talking to Joey Lawrence a lot lately, and we’re really worried...
On the train just now, I saw a dude get off the train with a denim jacket that had HYMEN HOLOCAUST painted on the back in enormous black letters. Everything weird in the whole world converges at the 7th Ave Q stop.
“Thieves in the Temple” is the last...
Whole Lotta Barf
“You need coolin/baby, Im not foolin/ I’m gonna send you back to schoolin/ Way down inside honey, you need it” = grossest lyric of the day. Hammer of the voms!
April 2009
2 posts
There Are Two Kinds of People: People Who Say They...
Hey everybody! So I finally decided to take ten minutes off from taking the quizzes in a copy of TEEN PEOPLE from 1997 to update this blog. I would also like to take a moment to announce my new format: this blog will now only cover news and points of interest related to ghosts, walking around New York City, and Kelly Clarkson, my three major points of interest. It’s good to have focus....
January 2009
2 posts
You know what would be a good name for an all-female over-40 death metal band? “Crone”
(or possibly “Krone”)
December 2008
0 posts
You know who are the only people who should be allowed to dress up like Alex from “Clockwork Orange” for Halloween? Toddlers. And dogs.
The Mash...You Know, The Kind With Monsters In It
If you’ve gone into a LensCrafters or similar mall-y, big box-type eyecare store in the pre-Halloween months, you may have seen a poster for spooky novelty contact lenses. What? No, you know, spooky novelty contact lenses—like, they have skulls across the center, or lightning bolts, or they make your eye look like the part in the “Thriller” video when Michael Jackson turns...
November 2008
4 posts
I Blow Minds for a Living! (homemade skin products...
Hey hombres,
I know it’s been a while since I rapped to ya, but I’ve been pretty busy the past few months, what with watching TV and looking at Marc Jacobs dresses on eBay and not buying them and being poor and the economy and the election and also I devoted a lot of time watching the video for “Hey Ladies” by the Beastie Boys. But hey actual ladies, I have recently (as...
October 2008
2 posts
Dear Everyone on TV,
Stop eating in front of me!
Luf,
Yom Kippur Gaby
September 2008
8 posts
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER GET LAID ON "THE HILLS"?
I recently discovered that we get some “on-demand programming” with our cable package, including on-demand MTV. The obvious outcome of this is that I have watched all available episodes of “The Hills.” I’ll skip the regular “Hills” talk (e.g. vapid, depressing, why) and cut straight to the chase—why is there absoluetly no fucking on the Hills?
Okay,...
"My ukulele lessons on Mondays conflicted with my...
I actually said that sentence last night and every word of it is 100% true!
It Came from the Dollar Store by the Broadway G...
I know that making fun of the packaging on stuff you found at the dollar store is like shooting fish in a barrel and also the barrel is made of bullets and guns and the fish you purchased has been pre-shot also, but I think this one is special. The funny thing is, the name is actually very true—I’m sure she’s quite the benign girl (she certainly doesn’t appear to be a...
Listen
Do you remember this song? For those of you unwilling to press play, it’s “Gimme the Car” by the Violent Femmes and it reminds me—not in a nostalgia way, but in a visceral way—of everything I forgot about being a teenager. Which is a little funny, because I think that I think about when I was a teenager like every single day, but I have severely edited the memories,...
NOTHING LEFT ON THE INTERNET EXCEPT KITTEN VIDEOS
Seriously. They’ve run out of everything else.
August 2008
24 posts
The Best
Man, I spent a really long time trying to find this commercial right after I figured out what the internet was (that was in 1999, maybe?)
OKAY I ADMIT IT, PORTIA AND ELLEN'S DREAM WEDDING...
My stances on celebrity weddings is generally a hard-line “vomit.” I have never bought a wedding issue of PEOPLE and I have never read any celebrity wedding coverage with any real interest, except for the Pete Wentz/ Ashlee Simpson wedding, which I read in horrified wonder as I realized that you can be a member of one of the most successful bands in the world and some girl’s dad...
FEEL-GOOD HIT OF THE SUMMER
Yeah, whatever, I know you’re all, “Gaby. I’m a busy person! I don’t have time to watch every fucking video you post of that stupid Chuck E. Cheese band playing some hilariously incongruous song.” But trust me. If you don’t have 5 minutes to watch this video, you don’t have 5 minutes to eat or breathe or take a poop. Okay? This is that serious. Also, do...
“It was obvious that virtually everyone in the crowd was playacting to some degree or another. I was reminded of the Tolstoy story “The Kreutzer Sonata,” when the male narrator described marriage as being like the bearded-lady tent in a French circus he’d seen. You pay a few francs to go in, and when you come out, and the carnival barker shouts at you, “Was that not...
Dear Amanda Palmer,
You are the bestest.
Jesus Christ, I Miss This Band
What Happened in My Ex-Boyfriend's Living Room and...
Though you’d never know it from talking to me today, there was a time in my life when I wanted to get married. Well, not actually actively wanted to get married or planned around it or anything, but I just kind of assumed that it was this thing that happened to almost everyone, like going to college or whatever. In fact, I still think that’s a pretty spot-on parallel, especially in...
Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
People have been talking to me a lot about Madonna lately—like how her face caved in and she looks like Candy Darling now; how she broke up A Rod’s marriage with secret sexual Kabbalah powers, etc. The part that is most interesting to me, though, is how much she sucks now—her failure to age as an entertainer with any kind of grace or dignity. I never thought I’d be holding...
I think there are three ways to grow older within your career as a successful entertainer. If you are deeply troubled and still writing new material and still free-basing at 65, you can be Marianne Faithfull. If you have a good head on your shoulders and are still writing new material and America still loves you the same as the day you put your butt on the a record sleeve, you can be Bruce...
What We Talk About When We Talk About Smashing...
I think this song is still pretty great, even though the video is obviously ridic in the extreme. The Smashing Pumpkins are a good thing to think about when you are thinking about your own art or work, and how seriously you want to be taken. I mean, duh, we all obviously have an intense urge to be taken seriously—does it stem from adolescence, when no one would take you seriously, which was...
July 2008
16 posts
THE CHURCH OF STOP INTERNET SHOPPING
Hi, my name is Gaby, and I’m addicted to internet shopping. J/k, I actually don’t have enough money to be addicted to anything except huffing household solvents, but I do have an itchy trigger finger when it comes to Alf trashcans on ebay, ugly overpriced t-shirts on etsy and other things that might actually technically bring down your quality of life by owning them. It’s not...
MINISTRY!
So I recently returned home from a long long looooooong (okay, two weeks) trip to Germany and Austria, and while I am not gonna be like “Man, Europe changed me, but you wouldn’t understand (you bourgeois American pig),” I am also not going to pretend that there are things to do here that are more fun than sleeping til noon in a pensione and going to weird dance clubs built over...