WHY DOESN’T ANYONE EVER GET LAID ON “THE HILLS”?
I recently discovered that we get some “on-demand programming” with our cable package, including on-demand MTV. The obvious outcome of this is that I have watched all available episodes of “The Hills.” I’ll skip the regular “Hills” talk (e.g. vapid, depressing, why) and cut straight to the chase—why is there absoluetly no fucking on the Hills?
Okay, wait, I have one other point to make first, which is that the success of “The Hills” is based like atleast 87% on that awesome Natasha Bedingfield “Feel the Rain on Your Skin” song, which not only creates a mood of excitement, anticipation, and emotional vulnerbility for the upcoming program, but also makes everything that goes on in the credits seem kind of exciting and lively and BEING YOUNG!, when in reality, the most exciting thing that happens in the credits (and the show!) is that they pick up their arms and wave them around a little bit towards the end of the credits. Seriously, turn the sound off and watch this nonsense (of course you can’t get a video of the opening from “The Hills” on youtube, duh Viacom, what are you insane?)
But also: the fucking. There is NO fucking. None at all. Now, excuse me for my frankness, but in the real lives of real girls like “The Hills”, life is basically just Adderall, trips to Fred Segal, and a series of exponentially depressing blowjobs given to boys with nice cars at “the club” (Lo seems like she might be more of a handjobber to me, but whatever). So, okay, I see the point in cutting the depressing, degrading sex from a “reality show”, but what about the exciting, fun, staged sex? There’s marginally unexploitative (for at least one party) sex on “The Real World”! Even Heidi and Spencer, who are ostensibly a “couple”, never kiss, they are never shot in bed, or even padding around the house in their jammies. The simple argument could be made that, duh, none of these people are ever fucking because they’re just paid to hang around each other and none of them even like each other and they probably sold their GENITALS FOR MONEY GOD THEY LOVE MONEY SO MUCH, OH MY GOD. But even under those circumstances, Audrina would totally do JustinBobby (as would many of us), so I have another idea.
I think “The Hills” actually comes from this weird confusing right wing place where sex is considered degrading to women, because women are giant babies (e.g. Sarah Palin). On one hand, it’s a way to keep the show apolitical and generally appealing (how could Lauren Conrad have a stance on abortion rights when she’s probably so afraid of her nanny-boo-boo she can’t even use an OB, right?), but I think beyond that, the lack of sex is meant to show that these girls are powerful and not complete vacant trash—it’s what keeps them from the world of scorn and ridicule heaped on someone like Paris Hilton. They do everything in the world to not deserve anyone’s respect—they barely work, they don’t contribute anything to society, they can’t even support one another emotionally or care genuinely about other human beings— but they don’t fuck, so they’re instantly classier than any girl who has an actual handle on her sexuality, right? Argh, “classy.” Don’t embrace the concept of “classy”, women of America! “Classy” is your gilded cage! “Classy” means you’re to embarassed too masturbate and even though everyone will praise your restrained brand of personal style, you will go to your grave enraged that your husband fucked Marilyn Monroe. For real, people! Classy is the worst lie!
But anyway, yeah, so my point was: they are obviously just as bad as Paris Hilton or anyone else, but they’re not classed in the same category as Paris or LiLo (whom I have fallen back in love with ever since she became an upstanding Dyke-American) because their particular brand of worthlessness has nothing to do with their sexuality. So really, our scorn for all of these shaved-pussy-TMZ starlets has way more to do with their wanton ways than the fact that their held up as stars and emulated by children but their lives have no substance or meaning. I don’t have any overarching point, I just think that’s way fucked.
PS: Sort of unrelated, but oh my god, Heidi’s disco songs are the worst. Do you think they’re the worst on purpose? Is it a joke? Is it meta? If it’s meta, it’s like semi-literate, Brett Easton Ellis type meta. On that note, if they ever make a movie of Glamorama, she should probably be in it.
